


the in-between

by tylerjoseoh



Series: push and pull [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-14 02:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16031507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tylerjoseoh/pseuds/tylerjoseoh
Summary: in which josh struggles with the reality of tyler's absence.





	the in-between

**Author's Note:**

> i feel obligated to apologize for how short this is. just trying to get a second part to this up before i'm thrown into work for the next few days. hopefully this'll keep y'all happy until i can post the next part.

it had been a week since josh had last heard from tyler, and needless to say, it had been the worst week of his life. waking up without his boyfriend by his side was taking more of a toll on him than he’d ever care to admit, but even a stranger would be able to decipher that he was unwell. 

 

with tyler by his side, josh felt normal. he felt loved, cared for, and most of all, happy. the fight had left him completely broken. and he blamed himself entirely. 

 

it was nearing 3 in the afternoon, and josh still hadn’t bothered to get out of bed. he hadn’t showered in at least four days, barely found an appetite big enough to eat, and had completely shut himself off from the rest of the world. one week of complete isolation. he felt like he was losing his mind. 

 

not speaking to tyler for such a long period of time made josh question whether or not he actually  _ would  _ hear from him again. only moments after tyler had left, josh found himself in the midst of the worst panic attack of his life - something he hadn’t experienced in over a year. he wanted so terribly to tell tyler “i get it,” but he knew that he’d fucked up. and he worried constantly that he’d never get the chance to tell him. 

 

truthfully, josh hadn’t attempted to contact tyler since he left. he’d gotten close, typing out novel-long messages on his phone with his thumb hovering over the blue send button, before backing out and erasing it. what hurt even worse for him was the fact that tyler hadn’t tried to contact him, either, which planted the thought in his head that when tyler said he needed time apart, he meant forever. 

 

when 4 pm rolled around, josh finally pulled himself out of bed, his vision going blurry and head spinning when he stood from how malnourished he was becoming. he walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. to say he was disgusted at what he saw was an understatement. 

 

his hair was greasy, sticking up in all sorts of places from staying in bed all the time. he was visibly thinner; his collarbones were becoming more prominent through his skin. he didn’t know how much weight he’d lost over the past 7 days, and truthfully, he didn’t want to. he was a shell of the person he used to be. a shell of the person he was when tyler was by his side. 

 

after coming to terms with his steadily deteriorating appearance, josh found it necessary to shower. he turned on the water and stripped himself of his clothes, stepping into the shower with trembling legs. 

 

as he let the steaming water cascade over his body, josh revisited the memories of the countless amount of times he and tyler would shower together. it was rarely a sexual experience of any kind; it was merely the two of them enjoying each other’s company in one of the most intimate ways possible. they’d goof around, especially tyler, who’d lather josh’s hair with shampoo and stick it up into a mohawk, laughing hysterically about how funny he looked. 

 

josh opened his eyes, letting reality flood his mind once again. as he washed his skin with soap, he imagined scrubbing away every memory of tyler, wishing he could simply forget and return to what his life was before he’d met him. he wanted no recollection of his boyfriend - if he could even call him that at this point - and wanted to only live for himself. 

 

after he’d cleaned himself, josh still remained in the shower, letting the water warm his body and soothe his aching muscles. he’d already been in there for at least half an hour, but he didn’t bother to keep up with the time. it wasn’t like anyone was waiting on him. 

 

finally mustering the energy to get out of the shower, josh turned off the water and stepped out, taking a towel to messily dry off his hair before wrapping it around his waist and making his way back to the bedroom. he sat on the edge of the bed to check the time on his phone, which had been on “do not disturb” indefinitely. he was expecting a few instagram and twitter notifications. maybe a text from his mom. what he was  _ not  _ expecting, however, was a notification that read “tyler - missed call.”

 

his hands started shaking involuntarily. his thumb hovered over the notification for a solid minute before he finally slid it to the right, taking a deep breath and holding the phone up to his ear. 

 

it rang, and rang, and rang, and josh was beginning to think tyler wasn’t going to answer, until he heard his voice from the other end of the call. 

 

“hello?” 

 

josh let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “uh, hey,” he said. “i saw that you called.” he tapped his foot and began chewing on his bottom lip nervously. 

 

“oh, yeah. i did,” tyler said. josh could hear him let out a sigh. “listen, i - i just - ugh, i really don’t know how to put this.”

 

“is everything okay?” 

 

“yeah! yeah, everything’s fine. i just - i really miss you, josh.” 

 

josh remained silent on the other end. a whole week without contact puts you in a different mindset. you start to wonder if that person really  _ did _ care about you. you start to wonder if the time spent together was worthwhile. you start to doubt yourself, asking over and over again what you did wrong. and then an “i miss you,” is thrown in your direction.

 

“josh?” tyler spoke again. 

 

“yeah i’m here, sorry,” josh said. 

 

“listen, you don’t have to say it back, but i want you to know that i love you. when i left last week, i honestly had no idea what i was going to do. it was a decision that i made impulsively and i’m sorry. i wasn’t thinking and i let my anger cloud my judgment. i realize now how much i need you. i really fucking need you, josh.” 

 

the way tyler spoke made it evident that he was crying. 

 

“you made that decision because of me. this is my fault, tyler. i was shitty towards you and you left. you have nothing to be sorry about. if anything, i should be the one to apologize,” josh responded, trying his hardest to keep his composure. hearing tyler cry was something he’d never get used to. he heard tyler sniffle from the other end. 

 

“can i, um - can i see you?” tyler asked. it almost sounded like a plea. 

 

josh shook his head before he realized tyler wasn’t in front of him. “i don’t know, tyler,” he said, sighing into the phone. “i miss you; i really do. but how are we gonna move forward from this?” 

 

“please, josh,” tyler begged, his tone becoming frantic. “i don’t know what we’re gonna do but we can figure it out. i just - i really, really need you.” 

 

“okay,” was all josh said. 

 

“okay? what does that mean?” tyler asked.

 

“it means we can try again.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm shooting for three or four parts to this series, but that may change as the story progresses in my head. regardless, if you're enjoying this, please let me know! i'm also always taking requests, so if you've got an idea you'd like me to bring to life, send it my way and i'll see what i can do. :)


End file.
